I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
