yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
