Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
