dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
