it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
