I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
