a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
