This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
