Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
