Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
