you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
