Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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