She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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