I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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