Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
