My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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