I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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