some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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