my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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