She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The beer is more important than you right now.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
