she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
