Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?