2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies