Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
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The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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