you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
