is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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