just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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