I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
