was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
