her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
