It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Two words: blizzard sex
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
