I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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