Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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