2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
