that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
