twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
