A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
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We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
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The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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