turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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