he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You made out with two different species that night
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
