On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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