he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
