He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
