You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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