I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
