why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
