Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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