Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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