I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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