did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She told me I should be a condom model.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
