I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
