Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
