I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
