Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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