Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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