He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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